You can Google talking is good for you and endless websites come up about talking therapies, or the importance of talking about your feelings: the results are in the gazillions. But try Googling listening is good for you and all you’ll be offered is why listening to music is good for you. Not that I have anything against listening to music. But I could find nothing about listening to other people. And, in my opinion, listening is just as important as talking. I mean really listening.
Conversations are two-way interactions. When was the last time you sat with someone and focused entirely on what they were saying without letting your mind wander off onto what you might be having for dinner, or your work schedule for the next day? Maybe some fleeting judgements about what you or they are wearing, or their new hair style flashes through your mind and you lose concentration? How often do you find yourself wanting to chip in with your own story, or contradict what they’re saying?
And, conversely, how many times have you been talking to someone and realised that their mind is elsewhere, or they’ve cut you off mid-sentence and you’ve lost your thread? I would suggest that it’s frustrating at best, downright annoying at times and positively hurtful at worst.
And, if you, or the person you’re talking to, isn’t fully engaged with what’s being said, then their words are open for mishearing and misinterpretation. Even worse, if you’re distracted by the match on TV or what the people at the next table are having to eat, you lose out on the clues in their body language too.
In 1971, Professor Albert Mehrabian came up with the theory that communication is only 7% verbal and 93 % non-verbal: the non-verbal component being body language (55 %) and tone of voice (38 %). I do want to point out that this has been disputed by many academics but I still like to think of it as a handy rule of thumb. Conversations involve far more than just words. Try having a text or email dialogue with someone and see how long before someone takes offence because, even with a smiley emoji and an exclamation mark (or perhaps because of it!) your `funny comment’ is interpreted as an insult. Just look at the problems caused by senior politicians tweeting their thoughts rather than conversing with their counterpart. How many wars might be avoided if world leaders really listened to the opposition and found out why that land was important to them and their people and found some way to compromise?
There is no real substitute for face to face talking – and proper listening – in all our relationships: partners, family, friends, even the bloke on the checkout at Tesco. It might not be appropriate to stand and ask him about his health, hobbies, children etc as the queue builds up behind you, but making eye to eye contact, smiling and saying thank you can go a long way to making him feel as though he’s human and not an automaton.
Simply smiling and acknowledging people improves your mood – and theirs. There’s all sorts of gumph talked about how it takes more muscles to frown than smile but regardless of that – smiling simply makes us feel better. Try it. Frown; then consciously turn it into a smile. See? No medication and it’s free.
So next time your partner comes home tired and irritated or joyful and excited, or a friend calls round to let off steam or share important news, listen to them – fully. Really hear what their words, facial expressions, body language and subtext are telling you. If you’re not sure you’ve fully understood them, clarify, then validate them. Empathise by saying that must be hard for you, or you must be thrilled. Explore their options, what do you want to do now? But take care not to get into collusion with them by saying things like – oh, you poor thing. All that does is serve to perpetuate a victim mentality – and that never helped anyone to do anything other than be a victim.
So, forget Elvis and all of his a little less conversation, a little more action please: let’s try: a little less texting, a little more conversation please!
Reiki in Wanstead 