The shoulds and the should nots.

It’s one of my least favourite words in the English language: should. That, together with phlegm and diarrhoea! Eugh!

It’s petty obvious why I don’t like phlegm and diarrhoea – apart from the fact that they’re appallingly difficult to spell – they are words for rather disgusting bodily gunk. But should? Why `should’ should be eradicated from the English language, exiled to Room 101 and expunged forever from our vocabulary?

Firstly, because it’s a denial of reality. In an ideal world, there are lots of things that shouldn’t happen: crime, abuse, murder, rape, assault, torture, corruption, pollution, climate change….. You can add just about anything that’s hurtful, antisocial or unpleasant to the list. But, the problem is, we don’t live in some Utopian society: we live in C21st Britain. Unpleasant things do happen. Saying that they shouldn’t happen is about living in a dream world where we wish things were different. I could say: my parents, brother and best friend shouldn’t have died so young. But they did. Saying that they shouldn’t isn’t helping me to accept reality,process it and move forward in my life.

The second reason to avoid should is that it’s about living up to people’s expectations – including our own. Should(n’t) makes people wrong. Every time you say: such and such shouldn’t have happened, or you should’ve done so and so, or I should have gone to the gym/work/shopping etc etc you are putting yourself or someone at fault. The subtext of the word should (or shouldn’t) is that something has been missed or forgotten. There is little room for understanding or compassion when people, including ourselves, inevitably miss the mark. We are humans: not robots. We err by our very nature.

Should(n’t) is saying that we know how things should be: setting ourselves up as judge, jury and executioner. It’s a heavy burden to carry – knowing how everyone and everything should behave. The word should sets us in the concrete wellies of resentment – drowning in bitterness and anger. Because, of course, we know how the world should unfold and it isn’t unfolding the we wanted it to!

A much softer, more forgiving word is could. Could gives us choices. I could have done yoga this morning but I chose to do the washing instead. S/he could have scored a goal from that position but s/he missed. (I’ve noticed that the world of sport is very heavy on the shoulds.) Of course, choices come with consequences so we need to take responsible for how we choose – but that’s part of being an adult.

Changing our vocabulary from should to could requires consciousness but it is possible. And it makes life a lot less harsh and a lot more flexible. Have a go and see.

So right now, I’m going to access my inner Mary Berry and make some cordial from the elderflowers I picked last week. I could have made it when they were fresh. (See what I did there?) Instead I chose to freeze them until I had more time.

Cheers!